Wherever you look these days, you're likely to find someone-or-other trotting out a new ``definitive list'' of the most important movers and shakers of the past 100 - or even, for pity's sake, 1,000 - years.
These lists are all very serious and scholarly, and that's just fine and dandy. Big thinkers like Albert Einstein and Copernicus are getting some major ink again, which no one would begrudge them. But how important are those guys, really, in our everyday eBay-checking, ``Hollywood Squares''-watching, Chalupa-chomping late-'90s lives?
From what we've seen, most of the major categories for serious, scholarly lists already have been snatched up by the likes of Newsweek, Time, Entertainment Weekly and Highlights for Children. But why should that stop us from joining the Y2K list-making fray?
And so, today we proudly celebrate the also-rans of the entertainment world - those would-be has-beens who somehow never managed to fade from our collective memory banks.
You'll notice our list of less-than-towering talents is heavily weighed toward TV celebrities from the past 20 years or so. Although we would have liked to acknowledge a broad range of mediocre notables from earlier decades (``OK, so which silent film star is more passe, Ben Turpin or Theda Bara?''), this is not a history lesson. Pop culture has a short shelf life.
Individually, the performers honored here may have done little to further our basic understanding of the human condition, but collectively, they are indisputable national treasures. Their names and faces are seared into America's subconscious, serving as important points of common cultural reference in an increasingly fragmented society.
Like it or not, we know who they are and we've seen what they've done.
THE TOP 101. Doug Henning: Illusionist Henning was as well known for his pre-New Age karma and hippie-dippy demeanor as for his legerdemain. He broke the mold for magicians, eschewing the tuxedo-and-top-hat tradition. Perhaps his greatest trick was getting people to watch his wimpy TV specials.
2. La Toya Jackson: Arguably the least talented Jackson sibling, La Toya has surmounted family problems, marital woes and plastic surgery disasters to forge a career as a spokesperson for psychic infomercials, a nude Playboy model and sometime R&B singer. And she looks just like Michael. Yeeeeeeeek!
3. Madame: The star of TV's ``Madame's Place'' was wooden and brassy at the same time. Like a shriveled Mae West with amped-up hormones, this irrepressible dame could've eaten Charlie McCarthy alive. Sadly, her career has been on hold since the death of her friend Wayland Flowers in 1988.
4. Rip Taylor: The cape. The confetti. The mock-resentful blubbering. The lousy wig. The swept-up mustache and eyebrows. The antic, flamboyant whirlwind of motion. ``The Gong Show.'' ``The $1.98 Beauty Show.'' The memories, the memories.
5. JoAnne Worley: Like so many veterans of ``Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In,'' Worley never has been able to channel her, umm, unique abilities into successful follow-up projects. But if Quentin Tarantino is looking for someone who's loud and obnoxious and dislikes jokes about chickens, another career revival could be imminent.
6. William Frawley: His affably grumpy portrayal of neighbor Fred Mertz on the classic '50s series ``I Love Lucy'' brought Frawley a little slice of immortality. But he never would have made the cut on ``Friends'' or the WB. The era of the lovable, sexless old coot is long gone.
7. Jaye P. Morgan: Morgan made her name as a singer and sustained a career with a steady diet of ``celebrity panelist'' spots on TV game shows. Her severe personality was a perfect fit for ``The Gong Show,'' where she took pleasure in dismantling the fragile egos of contestants.
8. Mr. T: Talk about range. Mr. T dabbled in such diverse careers as bouncer, bodyguard and Hulk Hogan's tag-team partner. In between, he starred as Rocky's nemesis and played a vigilante mechanic on TV's ``The A-Team.'' Don't typecast him, fool.
9. Fabio: With his sculpted torso and flowing locks, he caught our attention as a model for romance novel covers. But he faltered attempting to enter the third dimension as a living, breathing ``personality.''
10. Zsa Zsa Gabor: Famous mainly for being famous, Miss Hungary of 1936 flirted with a film career before settling into her unofficial role as queen of talk show royalty. We laughed at her accent, her sparkly pretensions and her apparent blissful ignorance of the world in which the rest of us lived.
THE REST OF THE PACK11. Joey Heatherton
12. Lyle Waggoner
13. Andrew Ridgley
14. Wayne Rogers
15. The California Raisins
16. Bob Saget
17. Peter Cetera
18. Charo
19. Byron Allen
20. Mickey Rourke
21. Pauly Shore
22. Charles Nelson Reilly
23. The Captain
24. Yakov Smirnoff
25. Bobby Goldsboro
26. Luther Campbell
27. Peter Tork
28. Ray-Jay Johnson
29. Jar Jar Binks
30. Sandra Bernhard
31. Richard Dawson
32. Keanu Reeves
33. Shields
34. Yarnell
35. Jimmie Walker
36. Vanilla Ice
37. Marc Singer
38. Barbi Benton
39. Charlene Tilton
40. Sally Struthers
41. Dee Snider
42. Dick Smothers
43. Alan Thicke
44. Vanna White
45. Adrian Zmed
46. Burt Young
47. Gary Coleman
48. Scrappy-Doo
49. John Oates
50. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark
51. Adrienne Barbeau
52. Myron Floren
53. Daisy Fuentes
54. Wink Martindale
55. Rudy Ray Moore
56. Andrew McCarthy
57. Robin Leach
58. Curly Joe DeRita
59. Soupy Sales
60. (Tie) Joan Rivers/Melissa Rivers
61. (Tie) Corey Feldman/Corey Haim
62. Joan Collins
63. Chuck Woolery
64. Richard Simmons
65. Baby Bop
66. Karen Black
67. Jon ``Bowzer'' Bauman
68. Judge Joseph Wapner
69. Herve Villechaize
70. Jayne Meadows
71. Paul Lynde
72. Frank Stallone
73. Chuck Barris
74. Mike Douglas
75. The Great Gazoo
76. John Davidson
77. Adam West
78. David Hasselhoff
79. Denny Terrio
80. Ed Begley Jr.
81. Barry Williams
82. Abe Vigoda
83. Dirk Benedict
84. Bert Convy
85. (tie) Judy and Audrey Landers
86. Johnny Whitaker
87. Gilbert Gottfried
88. Ron Palillo
89. Fred Berry
90. Gene Gene the Dancing Machine
91. Eddie Vedder
92. George Hamilton
93. Louie Anderson
94. Pamela Anderson
95. Tori Spelling
96. Bronson Pinchot
97. Andrew ``Dice'' Clay
98. John Byner
99. Rich Little
100. Fred Travelena